being not in love

I seriously hate it when people misunderstood me, when people threatened me. I really cant stand it. The hurt is the deepest especially its caused by close ones. When it comes to my mum, I am really felt so hurtful so much so that I felt so weak and helpless. I cant find the words to explain myself or how to solve the problem.
The trust she had in me is eaten off, bit by bit. And I dont know how can I put it back.

I dreamt of her that night. She was chiding me, I dont quite remember what I did to make her fuming mad. But I woke up crying badly. Im real scared that shes so mad with me. All the while I tried to please her, being the eldest in the family I should be a good role model for my siblings but I didnt.
When I was in Sec 3, I defied her and started working part-time for the sake of keeping my mobile line. I paid for the monthly bill that amounts to about 80 or 90 bucks per month with my salary. Sometimes I even worked until closing which was like until the wee hours for the sake of earning more, the consequences I had to bear was much more than I expected. I rebelled my teachers, slept in class, I submitted a blank paper for my physics class test. I took up smoking, stole from shops, skipped school, forged medical certificate, the discipline master Mr Ow called my parents, my dad almost hit me with his thick wooden rod when he knows about the MC thing, my mum shielded me and she was devastated. Sometimes I stayed out with friends until 6 or 7am, loitering around. She was angry with me, she didnt even want to say anything much though I was hoping that she will. As a result, I did very badly for my 'O' levels. I cant make it into Poly, my aim was Diploma in Law & Management. I flunked my maths and science and my grades could only land me a place in ITE. When I saw friends around me discussing about the poly's stuffs and matters, deep down I was feeling low but I covered my feelings. I dont want anyone to despise me. I am someone with my pride and principle, I believe that since others can do it I can do it too. Thus not giving up hope in studies, I enrolled as a private candidate for the next 'O' levels examinations but at the very last minute after much thoughts, I backed out. I decided to proceed on with my studies at a place where never once I thought I would be. Whenever people ask me about my studies I felt ashamed of myself. I didnt want them to know that Im in ITE where its dubbed as 'its the end' by many. I didnt want to admit defeat. I scored mainly As, Bs and 2 Cs (in my first year) throughout my 2 years stay there. I was awarded bursaries for my academic results. During the third semester, I was given the provisional entry to poly. The last and crucial semester, I scored got 2As and 2Bs, cumulative gpa was 3.409 which gave me the chance to enter poly.

Sometimes I just hope for some words of praise or compliments from them. I will be satisfied even just for one short sentence. I am working hard for myself and I want them to be proud of me, my achievements, even though I am 2 years later than others but I am going to get my diploma and degree. I am crazy when it comes to spending and splurging, somehow retail theraphy makes me feel good. To avoid nagging from my mum I had to smuggle stuffs into my wardrobe when she didnt notice. It got worsened after the last second break-up, I been spending like nobody's business and even got myself drunk with 5 mugs of Tiger, puking into a big bag and behaving like a drunkard. Thats the most pathetic sight of me that anyone had ever saw and I dont even drink Tiger beer from that day onwards cos the taste still irks me.
This is my life and I rule it the way I want it to be. I make my own decision, I wouldnt be ruled or be lead by the nose. Affairs of the heart will be secondary to me, friends are my top priority especially those who were standing by me when I felt alone or lost. Money is important too, thats why Im trying to earn more now since its the hols and save up. Yes, I admit that I had changed. Everyone changes with time, for the better or worse it depends on how you see it and past experiences.

Guess its a real long entry. Enough of my emo issues, thanks for bearing with me. I felt much better after all these rantings and I will still be myself but stronger.

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